Sunday, June 26, 2005

Dark Cloud

Today I am alone and feeling so deeply lonely. This loneliness is so overwhelming, biting into the hours of the day with much crying and a deep depression. I am doubting that there could possibly be anyone in this whole world who would truly love me. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like the image I see. And more than that, I can’t believe that anyone else would either. A dark cloud moved over me last night and I’ve not been able to shake it since. I am reaching for the happiness in a love that has always been beyond my grasp, and it scares me. It scares me to think that one day I may find that this illusive love wasn’t meant to be anything but just that – a dream I was never meant to attain.

Dark Cloud

A grey mood slips
silently over my night
and hovers
menacingly
moments above me.
And suddenly,
I’m aware that I’m alone.

A deep heaviness
rises within me
and shields my mind
from reason.
Staggered breaths
break the silence
and flood my swollen eyes
with the sting of self-doubt.

Hours drag on,
‘til morning finds me choking
on the memory
of past neglects and abuses
and drowning on the tears
they’ve made.

And who’s going to love me
out of this depression today?
Who’s going to help me
end this silence
that echoes my loneliness
back to me?

No one…

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Distractions! Distractions!

I have tried in vain to concentrate on the work I have brought home to do this weekend, but my mind and my desires are elsewhere. I have appeased all the subtle distractions that vied so seductively for my attention, and now that Sunday is coming to a close, I am anxious about not spending the time tackling the three piles of paperwork that I had promised to tend to.

Even now, as I try to put into words the restless fog that has captured my mind and torn from me my ability to focus, I struggle to lay it down on the page. I pace, nibble on almonds, sip on wine, peer into the fridge to find something else to occupy some time and keep my hands from being idle, and still the work doesn't get done.

And all the stresses that seem to be so tightly interwoven into a web of tiresome concerns, refuse to be pulled apart one by one for my careful analysis. And I just can't seem to function today.